Reconstruction

I survived my first "pump up" appointment. My sister was here to drive me over. I was very apprehensive. I really don't like needles very much. And this was a very big one! When I walked into the examining room and glanced at it I almost left. Then decided my best course of action was to avoid it so I grabbed a magazine and stuck my face in it. The expanders which were placed between the skin and muscle and the chest wall are made of plastic except for a little round rubber piece. This is about the size of a quarter and is where the doctor injects the saline. There must be some sort of metal in there too. She used a magnet tied to a string to find the spot where the rubber is located. It reminded me of some 2nd grade science experiment. It did work as she could then use her fingers to figure out where to put the needle. I told her she better have a good joke to tell me while I looked away at a picture on the wall. I am kind of like Harrison Ford and snakes but for me it's the needles. She said to start counting the poppies in the picture on the wall. I told she had to do better than that. It takes quite a few minutes to inject the saline. So I got to hear all about her new rescue puppy. I had been told to find a plastic surgeon that I really liked as I was going to be spending lots of time with her. I will be having injections almost weekly. This week she only did one breast. At the time of surgery she had put in some saline but intentionally had not injected as much on the cancer side. So she had to even things out during this appointment. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Not fun by any means. But by the time this is over I will know her whole life story.

I took some drugs right after I got in the car (don't worry my sister was in charge of driving) and came home directly to my favorite spot on the couch. It feel like I took a step backward in terms of tenderness and mobility but that should go away in a day or two. She compares it getting your braces tightened. But I don't think you get your braces tightened every week - do you? 

My sister took me on an outing to the market. And then I actually made it to book club last night to talk about "The 19th Wife". They welcomed me with tender hugs, a glass of wine and told me I looked great. Love my book club!

Also went to the PACE office over at Jesuit a few days ago to train them on some of the computer stuff for the auction. They, too, gave me a wonderful welcome. They all know that my schedule is not going to allow me to spend much time, if any, in there to help. They have some very capable women who will do just fine. Everything is right on track so far. I miss being there. It's never a dull moment. 

I don't watch much TV, but of my top 4 shows three are about hospitals. "House", "Grey's Anatomy" and "ER". "Lost" is the only one without needles. I might need to switch things up a bit. My reality is too much about hospitals, medicine and needles. Maybe I will watch "American Idol" this season... or "Project Runway". And catch up on some chick flicks that Mark won't watch with me. Cheers~ and let's all do a rain dance so we don't have a drought.

Scrabble Scribble

TRIVIAL STUFF

I have finished "The 19th Wife", "Cancer on $5 a Day" and "The Middle Place". If you have never seen the author, Kelly Corrigan's You-tube about transitions and transcending follow this link. Although she is younger than most of us, you can relate to pretty much everything that she says. But if you don't want to cry (again) don't watch it now, save it for later. I was first sent this link last fall before all this chaos started, but one of you recently sent it to me again. Kelly Corrigan could be a FIN... she has FINs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4qwVLqt9Q

I am now reading "My Life in France" by Julia Child (did you know that she didn't know a thing about cooking until she was married and moved to Paris?) and another book about Paris "The Elegance of the Hedgehog". I did play Scrabble for the first time in years with my Mother when she was here. She doesn't really play and between the aging mind of a 78 year old and my drug induced ideas of how to spell words we cheated and used the dictionary a lot. But it was still tons of fun and I plan to play again. 

Speaking of FINs my sister was so excited to tell me that there is a restaurant in town called "Fins"... Of course I knew that... but it sparked an idea for a celebration down the road! It took me a long time to go back to figure out where the FINs idea came from. Of course I was heavily sedated when all of your emails where flying back and forth during my surgery. My brother-in-law could not believe how many emails where coming to his blackberry while in the waiting room with Mark. Somehow I left Mark off the distribution list?? But as Todd shared some of your messages with his wife, Clare, and Mark I think it was both amusing and comforting to them. Particularly the part about having a second or third glass of wine... For those of you who missed it here is the history. At some point that night my friend Kathy Shadburn-Butler posed the question about what the group supporting Jaime should be named and here is the reply from Cindy Dunning Jakle. (Cindy I hope you don't mind...)

When a hot flash woke me up in the night, my mind began to ponder Kathy's question "What shall we call ourselves?" It occured to me how very often women step up for one another, especially in times of need. While it is not as fun as when we were making dinners for each other while so many of us were having babies, I know we are all serving on "committees" now for aging neighbors, ailing husbands, and sometimes our own.  I thought of us a GODesses, Girls on Demand. But I liked FINs better, Friends in Need. Fins keep the fish moving forward and help to keep it afloat. Today we are Jaime's fins, and in the course of things we will all need fins. The membership will morph depending on our connections, but right now I feel great comfort in simply being a part of a community of women that rallies when a friend is in need. We really don't need a name, but I did want to say it is comforting to read the list and to be a part of such love and solidarity! Cindy Dunning Jakle

Kathy, Cindy and I were all pregnant with what were Kathy and my first babies and Cindy's third baby at the same time. We sat on Junior League committees together (with our big bellies hitting the conference table) planning ways to help Sacramento's women and children. Now those babies are sophomores in college planning majors and semesters abroad. Here we are, the Moms, years later still planning ways to help... Another positive part of this journey has been reconnecting with friends both here is Sacramento but also from high school and college. I have had wonderful conversations with friends after only exchanging Christmas cards for years. And as you all know, you can just pick up the conversation where you left off, even if you haven't spoken for what seems like eons. What I have discovered over the years is that our lives are very similar, even if you live if Chatham, New Jersey or Pacifica, California. And so thanks to all my FINs. Couldn't do it without you!

Love the rain, we need it so desperately. Don't let it get you down. Just think of how green it will make our California hills and your own backyard come springtime. Cheers!

TRUTHS

When you get right down to it, the truth is that perky breasts, loosing my hair, and the fact that I might miss out on many things over the next few months aren't that important to me. What I want more than anything is to be around for the future. I want to watch my son graduate from college and find a career he is passionate about. I want to be there when he says his vows "to love you in sickness and in health" and to hold my grandchildren. I want to climb big mountains in Italy with Mark, drink margaritas with him while my toes play in the sand, take long walks along the American River with our dog and watch the hawks fly high. I want to share morning cups of coffee and discuss the world news. I want to continue to be there as my nephews and nieces grow up. I want to be there to help my Mom and in-laws as they grow old. I want to go to family reunions in Yosemite and hang out at Donner Lake. I want to celebrate your 80th Birthdays with each of you! I think you get my drift.

And that is what the next phase is all about. It's about keeping the cancer from returning. We met with the Medical Oncologist, Dr. Rohatgi on Thursday. He asked me tons of questions about my health. He was so very patient with both Mark and I as we asked for clarification on just about everything he said. And he even had a sense of humor. Lucky us to have found another doctor we really like! Without too much detail I will try to give you a summary of our meeting. Without doing any further treatments I have about a 25% chance of the cancer reoccurring somewhere else in my body. If I take the chemo pill, Tamoxifen, for 5 years that brings the rate down to about 16%. If I take a course of chemotherapy - four treatments, three weeks apart then it can bring the chance for reoccurance down to around 10-11%. He said that no one every gets it lower than about 5%. So, going from 25% to about 11% sounds really good to me. All these statistics come from a database called Adjuvant. The scientists have been studying the tumors and keeping stats since the 80s. (Yes, I think they keep all those breast tumors stored somewhere indefinitely so they can continue to do different studies on them.) One thing to keep in mind is that the chemo "cocktails" have improved a lot since then so in reality the chances for the cancer returning might be even lower. (Do you think it's fair to describe chemo as a "cocktail"?) And the other silver lining... the side effects are not as bad as they used to be. Yes, he told me I would loose my hair. But most don't feel the nausea and other things so much. I have recently spoken with two friends who have just finished chemo and didn't have such a hard time with it. (Maybe they were lying like my frisbee/tupperware friends.. but I don't think so.) 

So I think that I will be starting chemo in about 3 weeks. BUT there is one more test that the doctor just ordered on my tumors. It is a fairly new test called Onocotype DX. In a nutshell, this test identifies which types of breast cancers benefit from chemo treatment. This test looks at a group of 21 genes of my tumor and based on that gives my tumor a reoccurance score which determines if I will benefit from chemo. If you are curious and want to know more please go to this website. I can't say that I clearly understand it. I do know that you can't have lymph node involvement and need to be estrogen-receptor-positive in order to qualify for the test. I know is that it takes two weeks to get the results back. So, we wait again. But they wouldn't start chemo right now anyway as I still get more time to recover from my surgery.

http://www.oncotypedx.com/PatientCaregiver/OncoOverview.aspx?Sid=1 (This is the page with the overview.)

We also met with the Radiation Oncologist on Wednesday. A friend from my ski club who has recently finished her breast cancer treatments was a patient of Dr. Ryu and told me all about her before our first meeting. Needless to say, we thought she was great. She is also a big skier so we have much in common. She says I am in a bit of a "grey area" when it comes to radiation treatment. I don't fit into any neat little box that says yes or no. Radiation is done to make sure that all the cancer cells were removed from the area during surgery. I had that tumor that grew into the muscle, but they got clean margins. I had another tumor and a "mass of stuff" in between. There could be a few cells floating around in there. Basically she said that she tends to be conservative when ordering radiation. Doesn't do it unless she feels strongly about it. However, she said she would be "offering  me radiation". I said "offering? is that like offering me a cookie or a piece of cheesecake?". She laughed. But she will be "offering" me radiation and I will most likely "accept her offer". It wouldn't happen until after chemo is done. And then it would be every weekday for 5 weeks in a row. No skipping! It doesn't take long to get the zap of radiation. But you have to go every day. Doesn't that sound fun? 

It's a lot to take in. And even though I try to make my blog upbeat, I do cry. And when Mark asks what he can do I say "Please make it go away". And of course that probably makes him feel worse as this one is out of his control. 

I am blessed for the following reasons: 

I have wonderful family and group of FINS!

Modern medicine can do so much for me.

I have such an incredible team of doctors and nurses on my side.

I am healthy (except for this cancer stuff).

I will recover and put this behind me. 

I could go on and on...

By the way, two friends answered my rhetorical question. I am now a Breast Cancer Survivor... over three weeks now. Those two friends are also Breast Cancer Survivors. Get your mammograms! 

Frisbee or Tupperware

There are two blog followers who have had breast reconstructive surgery. One describes it as having a really hard frisbee in your breast and the other said it was like a tupperware lid. Try to imagine this, but the frisbee/tupperware has slid up to the wrong place and there is nothing you can do to get it to feel like it fits right. And it's the wrong size, way too small. What I really think is that although neither of you told me how uncomfortable this was going to be... maybe it's like childbirth and you just forgot. You got great breasts and great babies out of the process so it was worth it. The nurse told me my muscles would be "angry" with these plastic expanders. Angry is not a strong enough adjective... pissed off is better? Why don't some of you word smiths try to come up with some adjectives for me. Let's make a contest out of it. I will think of some silly prize for the winner. I did go to the Plastic Surgeon this week but she will not do the first expansion until next week. I am healing very well and ready to start doing some arm exercises (minimal). She said some patients like to take a little valium before they come in for the "pump up"... that makes me think I am not going to be happy.

In the meantime there has been progress. Katy was really worried about my legs getting hairy, so they have been shaved. But more importantly I was able to wash my own hair today!!! So my arm mobility is definitely improving. The styling didn't look so great but I will get there. I can also get a hair clip in by myself now so I don't need Mark to keep trying to get the scrunchies in. 

Mary took me out to run a few mundane errands like buying printer ink and paper at Office Max, going to the ATM machine and buying a case of Chardonnay (that was the priority). We literally drank every bottle in the house prior to my surgery so we needed to stock up. Not that I feel like drinking much now, but it's nice to have a few sips. But getting out to do something other than go to a doctor's appointment makes me feel like I can face the world again. It was nice to get out and do normal things. 

I really enjoy the jokes, stories and photos that you have all been emailing to me. 

Here is a link to some very artful looking bras... http://www.quiltersofsc.org/artfullbras/artfullbras.htm

Some people are really creative!!

Special Visitor

Although I have loved every visit from every one of my friends and family this one was rather special. Calvin came home for the first time since I was diagnosed with cancer. We have had many conversations (one very tearful) on the phone and have done the video conference thing - Skype - numerous times but a real hug makes all the difference in the world. He and his girlfriend, Molly, made Mark and I a very tasty dinner and I didn't have to do a thing but sit on the couch and chat. It was the best!!! 

Mark, Jaime and Calvin "LIVE STRONG"